The Great Bed Dilemma of 2011

19 October 2011

Ok the great bed dilemma of 2011 has been resolved and the dogs made the decision for us.

Couple of nights ago we were quietly lying in bed reading before lights out (that’s as exciting as the bedroom gets at our age).  Actually that’s not true we did play ‘Jack Change It’ once in bed but were then to over excited to sleep.

Anyway Riley our latest acquisition was lying sleeping and without even waking up or even moving did a wee as big as a flood right on top of us.  Thank God we were awake or we would have woken up in the morning drenched and poor ole Alfie would have got the blame based purely on previous convictions. 

So up we jump, duvet off, sheets off, duvet from spare room on, new sheet on, wet duvet in to the wash and back to bed.  Next morning up and getting ready when Alfie jumps up on bed and does exactly the same thing.  Unbe-f’ing-lievable.  So duvet off, sheets off, duvet from other spare room on, new sheet on, wet duvet in to the wash and heated discussion about putting the whole lot of them down.

Eventually decision made that they are banished to the kitchen at nights and that has been the way of it now for last 3 nights.  To be honest felt really mean to begin with but are now getting used to it and they have taken it quite well except for Riley, the instigator of their fate, who has now taken to sitting in the garden and howling like a wolf for half an hour after bedtime.

Anyhow the empty bed is quite nice and one of these days I might just build up the nerve to venture across to Al’s side and say “Hello”.......

Sheep’s Eyeball and Donkey's Bollock Cake

9 October 2011

Forgot to mention that the other day I did the "Fiendish" and the "Super Fiendish" suduko in the times............How f***ing smart am I?!  Answers on a post card :-)

Because of my ill-fitting suit dilemma I decided, despite the consensus that I should go naked or wear a dress, to try and lose a bit of weight.

My diet for the week has been a small bowl of cornflakes and a banana for brekkie, celery as a snack, chicken and beans for lunch and a small dinner.  All is good.

Yesterday, at work, a Filipino family who are tenants arrived en mass at the office, that’s 6 in total. Their English is not good but they got it across they were celebrating their youngest child's birthday and produced a piece of birthday cake for me.  It was however not so much of a piece as half a birthday cake and they took great pleasure in handing this over especially the children. 

I thanked them profusely and did a sort of nodding bow and a little praying symbol and anything else I thought might be Fillipinoish and they did lots of nodding and giggling but very little going away.  I continued to say thanks and they continued to stand there and it soon became obvious they were waiting to see me eat the bloody thing.

I was a little dubious as for all I knew it was a sheep’s eyeball and donkey's bollock cake but I was on the spot so had to try it.  Well, as Ross would say, it was like licking the face of God.  It was absolutely de-flipping-licious and to their delight I ate the whole blooming lot.

Great for cross community bonding but crap for my waist line.  To add insult to injury I am now just back from a big fry at the “Pit Stop” with Mama and Papa (they made me do it honest).  Could end up in a dress yet........................

Dilemma No.3

8 October 2011

Another dilemma.....

For those who don’t know we have 5 dogs:  Layla, a boxer, and the boss; Lucy, another boxer, and a big laid back softie;  Alfie, a pug, who is a real character and always by your side;  Loca, another pug, who is basically nuts, but everyone loves Loca;  and finally Riley our newest addition, a beagle, who I think has plans for a takeover bid but is still sizing up the competition.

Remember this stuff because I may refer to them in the future and I hate to repeat myself.  Also you should know all our dogs can talk.  I don’t care what you say, it’s a simple fact so there.

Furthermore all the dogs sleep in our room, the 3 smaller ones actually on the bed....in fact Loca on the pillow on top of Al’s head.  The other day, and in a fit of pique, Al suggested that the dogs should no longer sleep with us and should spend the nights in the kitchen.  I was stunned and Alfie almost had a heart attack.

“What’s the problem” I asked and she explained that she often woke clinging to the bed by her arse cheeks and there just wasn’t enough room.  I had to admit I had awoken a few times in a similar state but still I felt the benefits of a lovely cuddly dog snuggled up beside you outweighed any problems.  Anyhow she was just in a moody so it wasn’t hard to convince her she would regret it and we were soon able to take Alfie off the ventilator. 

The problem she brought up did, however, have merit so we discussed what other, less drastic options we had.  The obvious answer was to get a bigger bed and move from a 5ft king-size to a 6ft super-king which would fit nicely into our room.  Al was delighted as she reckoned that would give her an extra foot though I had to burst that bubble and point out it would give us each an extra 6ins.  She mumbled about that being the first 6ins she had in a long time or something to that effect.  Layla and Lucy also thought it was a great idea as it would mean there was room for them and that bubble also had to be swiftly burst.

Anyway off we went in search of a big but cheap bed but by the time we had left the first shop the very capable salesman had convinced us that the most expensive bed in the place was the one for us.  Now normally we would have bought it on the spot, in fact we probably would have bought 2, but the new money conscious us managed to get out of the shop without handing over any cash but with a firm promise to return.

So that’s the dilemma…………. Do we:

(a) Stick it out in our existing bed and continue to exercise our butt cheeks.
(b) Spend a small fortune on a new bed which is so comfy you would fall      asleep just thinking about getting in it.
(c) Give up and sleep on the floor with the big dogs.

Dilemma No.2

7 October 2011

Short and sweet today and is a dilemma……..

Myself and my good lady and a few friends are attending a casino night charity function held by my work next Friday.  Has potential for a really good night so am looking forward to it, however…….

Its Smart dress or Dress suits so I tried on my 2 suits the other day. One is way too big in the stomach region and the other to small in the same area. (Put on a few pounds of holiday weight :-) ) 

So dilemma is simple…….

Do I………

(a) Stuff myself with crap but lovely food to bulk up and fit the big
one
(b) Starve myself for the next 8 days to slim down and fit the little one
(c) Buy a new suit then I’ll have one for the slim me, fat me and obese 
me
(c) Rent a dress suit
(d) Wear a dress and say I miss understood the instructions

Your thoughts………………

Dilemma No.1

4 October 2011

Well this morning I finally faced that age old dilemma.  Alarm went off at 6am and I threw back the duvet and jumped enthusiastically out of bed to be met by a wall of cold air.  Now as any of you following my status will know I am presently going through a period of nakedness due to my newly emptied house so I stoically made my way to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee to warm me up.  By the time I did this I realised I had nipples like Jordan on heat and my gonads had retreated to warmer climes.  My eyes fell upon the heating controls and thus my dilemma began.  A debate then ensued between two little men on my shoulders:

• “Turn it on why shouldn’t you be warm”

• “Think about the oil burning away and how much it costs”

• “But just imagine the heat on your skin and that lovely glow”

• “Think about the oil burning away and how much it costs”

• “But remember how hard you work you deserve to be warm”

• “Think about the oil burning away and how much it costs”

• “Just push the button. Go on push it you know you want to”

• “Think about the oil burning away and how much it costs and anyway by the time it heats up you‘ll be gone”

• “Then push it for Al so she’ll be warm when she gets up”

• “Think about the oil burning away and how much it costs and anyway she has an extra layer of fat so she doesn't need it” (N.B. the little man on my shoulder said that not me)

Decision made. I didn’t push it....