Riley Goes on a Diet

19 November 2011

Nice evening last night with Kelly, Andrew and the kids who came to ours to celebrate Kelly’s birthday.  As always I will remain the gentleman and not state her age but she has no memory of 1976 and only the vaguest memory of 1978.  'Nuff said.

It was from them that we acquired our latest dog ‘Riley’ and one of the issues the dog had when it arrived was it was carrying a little excess weight.  We reckoned a bit of exercise would soon sort her out but when the guys saw her last night they came to the conclusion she had actually put on weight and to be honest I think they are right.

She is a bit of a Dyson and hoovers up anything the others leave, has a bottomless pit for a stomach and is literally insatiable.  She ate that much yesterday including left over Chinese and birthday cake she is starting to look like a barrel with legs.

We are turning out to be not very good adoptive parents and should really be struck from the list but today is the first day of the rest of her life and she goes on a diet.  She is gonna hate it with a passion but it has to be done.

Al if you are reading this take a picture of that barrel of lard and post it so folk can see the before.  (No not you, the dog you idiot. Hehe I’m so funny).

They're Not Carrots You Know!

18 November 2011

Well judging from the various comments on the diamonds subject I think we can clearly state women are show off materialistic sentimentalists with unashamed romantic tendencies and men couldn't give a fiddlers.  While you ladies think we are demonstrating our undying love or whatever by buying the ring of your dreams we are actually just scared of what would happen if we didn’t. 

Ok that’s that sorted what’s next??

Oh yes a little Al’ism…..

I came home the other day from work, as a Concierge, (That’s a job with a French name), and it was late and dark and I asked Al if the dogs had been walked.

Al: “No. It was dark when I got home”

Me: “I’ll take them out now”

Al: “Its dark you idiot they’ll get lost”

Me: “There is ambient light from the city and anyway dogs can see quite well in the dark”

Al: “They’re not carrots you know”

Me: [staring at her with raised eyebrows and shaking head]

Al: [stares back blankly puts hands over face and also shakes head]

She knows what she meant.  She just needs to slow up and give her brain time to finish writing her dialogue.

We're Going to be Famous!!

11 November 2011

Got up this morning and went downstairs and was set upon by 5 crazy dogs.  Made some toast and they all just sat staring at me.  Didn't beg, just sat and stared as if to say “You eat away Dad.  Don’t worry about us.  We’ll be fine [sigh!!!]”  It’s one thing giving a bit to one but when there is five it doesn’t go far so ended up with a half a slice of toast for brekkie [sigh!!!].

Anyhow good news.  We are gonna be famous, hurrah!  Photographer has been trying to get pics of us and the trike for 6 months but either he or I or Al or the weather weren’t good so it never happened. 

A bit of forward planning had made last Sunday the day for it all to go down.  Weather great and all off work if somewhat hungover in our case from Al’s party. 

Had told the dogs what was happening and Layla had gone into full diva mode.  She has previously won a puppy training competitions, a fact she loves to let you know, and felt she would be the star of the show.  She wanted to know if there would be a makeup artist, hairdresser, stylist the whole works and whether she would have her own trailer.

Lucy was more laid back and really couldn’t care less, Alfie just wanted to be sure the photos didn’t make him look gay and Loca wanted to know if there would be any chicken to eat.

The guy wanted to go to Crawfordsburn Country Park to do the pics so off we went.  Layla was in a funny mood just lying down and when we got there I asked what was wrong.  “I don’t know my lines” she said “What’s my motivation?  What’s the character thinking.  There’s no way I’m going naked unless it’s essential to the plot.”

I explained all she had to do was sit up with her goggles on and look miserable like boxers always do and stop whinging.  I was already starting to regret the whole thing and Alfie chirped in he hated his coat as it made him look like a fairy which was fair enough cos it did.  Lucy was sleeping and Loca was very alert as we had told her this was where the chickens live and to keep out a sharp eye and we’d try and catch one.

Al up to this point had been quite quiet on the back.  I had tried to persuade her to “Get the tits out for the boys” so we could make it into a national paper but she was having none of it even when I pointed out they were technically mine as I paid for them.  She had insisted in being at the shoot but it wasn’t long before the complaints started “I’m coldy”, “How much longer?”, “What’s keeping this idiot?”, “Drive slower”, “Watch that car” all the usual stuff.

Eventually job done we returned home and the guy said he’d let us know how he got on with selling the pics.  First to show interest was the “Black Lesbian Eskimo Snail Breeders of Lithuania Biannual” not a particularly mainstream magazine but better than nothing.  Then yesterday a journalist from the Sunday Life rang and said they were gonna use some.  Cool.  I did a quick telephone interview which included plenty of “No comment” and “Those charges were never proven”.

Anyway to cut a long story short we should, and I repeat should to avoid embarrassment if we don’t, appear in the aforementioned publication this Sunday.  Feel free to tell people you knew us before we were famous and keep an eye out for our first book “Concierging. A job with a French name” which will be out in the Spring.

The Great Bed Dilemma of 2011

19 October 2011

Ok the great bed dilemma of 2011 has been resolved and the dogs made the decision for us.

Couple of nights ago we were quietly lying in bed reading before lights out (that’s as exciting as the bedroom gets at our age).  Actually that’s not true we did play ‘Jack Change It’ once in bed but were then to over excited to sleep.

Anyway Riley our latest acquisition was lying sleeping and without even waking up or even moving did a wee as big as a flood right on top of us.  Thank God we were awake or we would have woken up in the morning drenched and poor ole Alfie would have got the blame based purely on previous convictions. 

So up we jump, duvet off, sheets off, duvet from spare room on, new sheet on, wet duvet in to the wash and back to bed.  Next morning up and getting ready when Alfie jumps up on bed and does exactly the same thing.  Unbe-f’ing-lievable.  So duvet off, sheets off, duvet from other spare room on, new sheet on, wet duvet in to the wash and heated discussion about putting the whole lot of them down.

Eventually decision made that they are banished to the kitchen at nights and that has been the way of it now for last 3 nights.  To be honest felt really mean to begin with but are now getting used to it and they have taken it quite well except for Riley, the instigator of their fate, who has now taken to sitting in the garden and howling like a wolf for half an hour after bedtime.

Anyhow the empty bed is quite nice and one of these days I might just build up the nerve to venture across to Al’s side and say “Hello”.......

Fish Artist

16 October 2011

I am to old for 2 nights on the drink in a row. I have no status today in fact today does not exist ...

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17 October 2011

Well what a weekend that was.  Got material for a week.  But no time today to tell you guys about it and definitely no room in one status.  That’ll please Stevie..........

What I will do today is introduce you to Jem Armstrong our latest recruit who we met at Pauline’s party on Sat. 

She had a broken ankle and was limping about in apparent agony when her Da was dancing around like a ballerina on ‘Es’ when he wasn’t.  Funny that.

Turns out she is very fond of dogs although was unaware they could talk.  She volunteered as a dog sitter so we put her through our educational interview as we can’t just have anyone looking after our babies.

She passed maths ok as she knew Pythagoras’ Theorem

Failed English cos she couldn’t spell Pythagoras.

Art was iffy.  She showed us her portfolio which included a page coloured pink.  When asked what this was she said the assignment had been to colour a page red.  We pointed out it was pink......she looked blank.  She did however draw a mean fish so she was granted the title of 'Fish Artist'.

Physics was ok as she knew F=MA although we weren’t really in a position to argue the truth of that.

French was acceptable and not a big issue as none of the dogs speak it.

General knowledge was poor and believe it or not she couldn’t actually work out how many subjects she was studying.  Impressive.............

The best one though and the one that shows she is worthy of joining this happy group was her answer to the question “Who is the leader of the opposition?”...................Answer “Ed Bin Laden” and I kid you not!!!

Anyhow welcome Jem............everyone say 'hi'.

Dilemma No.3

8 October 2011

Another dilemma.....

For those who don’t know we have 5 dogs:  Layla, a boxer, and the boss; Lucy, another boxer, and a big laid back softie;  Alfie, a pug, who is a real character and always by your side;  Loca, another pug, who is basically nuts, but everyone loves Loca;  and finally Riley our newest addition, a beagle, who I think has plans for a takeover bid but is still sizing up the competition.

Remember this stuff because I may refer to them in the future and I hate to repeat myself.  Also you should know all our dogs can talk.  I don’t care what you say, it’s a simple fact so there.

Furthermore all the dogs sleep in our room, the 3 smaller ones actually on the bed....in fact Loca on the pillow on top of Al’s head.  The other day, and in a fit of pique, Al suggested that the dogs should no longer sleep with us and should spend the nights in the kitchen.  I was stunned and Alfie almost had a heart attack.

“What’s the problem” I asked and she explained that she often woke clinging to the bed by her arse cheeks and there just wasn’t enough room.  I had to admit I had awoken a few times in a similar state but still I felt the benefits of a lovely cuddly dog snuggled up beside you outweighed any problems.  Anyhow she was just in a moody so it wasn’t hard to convince her she would regret it and we were soon able to take Alfie off the ventilator. 

The problem she brought up did, however, have merit so we discussed what other, less drastic options we had.  The obvious answer was to get a bigger bed and move from a 5ft king-size to a 6ft super-king which would fit nicely into our room.  Al was delighted as she reckoned that would give her an extra foot though I had to burst that bubble and point out it would give us each an extra 6ins.  She mumbled about that being the first 6ins she had in a long time or something to that effect.  Layla and Lucy also thought it was a great idea as it would mean there was room for them and that bubble also had to be swiftly burst.

Anyway off we went in search of a big but cheap bed but by the time we had left the first shop the very capable salesman had convinced us that the most expensive bed in the place was the one for us.  Now normally we would have bought it on the spot, in fact we probably would have bought 2, but the new money conscious us managed to get out of the shop without handing over any cash but with a firm promise to return.

So that’s the dilemma…………. Do we:

(a) Stick it out in our existing bed and continue to exercise our butt cheeks.
(b) Spend a small fortune on a new bed which is so comfy you would fall      asleep just thinking about getting in it.
(c) Give up and sleep on the floor with the big dogs.