Riley Goes on a Diet

19 November 2011

Nice evening last night with Kelly, Andrew and the kids who came to ours to celebrate Kelly’s birthday.  As always I will remain the gentleman and not state her age but she has no memory of 1976 and only the vaguest memory of 1978.  'Nuff said.

It was from them that we acquired our latest dog ‘Riley’ and one of the issues the dog had when it arrived was it was carrying a little excess weight.  We reckoned a bit of exercise would soon sort her out but when the guys saw her last night they came to the conclusion she had actually put on weight and to be honest I think they are right.

She is a bit of a Dyson and hoovers up anything the others leave, has a bottomless pit for a stomach and is literally insatiable.  She ate that much yesterday including left over Chinese and birthday cake she is starting to look like a barrel with legs.

We are turning out to be not very good adoptive parents and should really be struck from the list but today is the first day of the rest of her life and she goes on a diet.  She is gonna hate it with a passion but it has to be done.

Al if you are reading this take a picture of that barrel of lard and post it so folk can see the before.  (No not you, the dog you idiot. Hehe I’m so funny).

Al's Birthday

8 November 2011

Busy busy day at work yesterday which left me no time for my FBing.  Happening a bit too often these days and I don’t recall anything in my contract that said I would actually have to do something.  Employers are so me me me these days and forget we live in a very social world and it’s important for the well-being of the workforce to keep up with what is happening to their mates.

Anyway I never got to report on Al’s party on Saturday night.  She returned home on Sat afternoon reasonably unscarred from 2 days with party animal Gemma.  I had spent many hours doing the decorations which were a number of balloons and a birthday banner and when she entered the house I could tell even through the blank look on her face that she was impressed.  Now a banner and balloons may not sound like much but as I always like to say “It’s not what you’ve got it’s what you do with it” and the banner was beautifully hung and the balloons were all blown up by me personally, pretty good eh??

Anyhow the guests drifted in from about 7 onwards and Tracey, Julie and Pauline brought along some delicious grub which was eagerly devoured later on.  I think they were a little disappointed that most people were so over awed with the decorations that the food took second place but they made a good effort and God loves a trier.

Being a cosmopolitan couple our guests covered a wide range of occupations.  We had 2 from the building trade, a spark, a scientist, an accountant, a mobile phone salesman (who fixed my phone, cheers Kevin), 2 PA’s, a civil servant, a nurse, a Pile Driver (who likes to take his work home with him but that’s another story) a teacher (who is somewhat overzealous in sending folk to the naughty chair), a ‘mature’ student (who has, believe it or not, a computer embedded in her ass) and of course myself a Concierge (a job with a French name which obviously topped the lot).

We were also careful to obey recent legislation and ensured the party was cross denominational for now with every gathering of more than 6 people at least 25% must come from the other community.  They were of course very welcome in our home and I think they enjoyed themselves although it was difficult to keep their food warm when we passed it out the window to them.

The night progressed with fun and frolics and although I had already out done myself with the decor there was more to come with a deeply meaningful and romantic poem I had penned for the lovely Al.  It can’t be repeated on here due to the fact I could only think of one word to rhyme with ‘Luck’ but suffice to say there were tears in the eyes of some of the ladies and I could see a few guys wondering how they would ever top that for their loved ones.  To cap it all I then presented her with a beautiful bracelet hand crafted by albino midgets from the jungles of the Amazon using only their feet, a rare and rather expensive gift if I do say so myself.  Again the ladies looked on in envy and the guys just looked defeated.

Once the ceremonies where done we proceeded to do what all intellectual up market folk do on a social get together and got legless.  We were mindful at all times of Andrea, who is heavily pregnant and kept hot water and towels on standby although none of us knew what to do with them.  Keith became obsessed with getting Lynn’s ’ass’ computer to work using the Sky remote and we had some deep and meaningful discussions including discovering that all the ladies had at one point faked an orgasm (hard to believe) but so had 60% of the men.  It’s amazing what you find out at parties.

Anyhow it was a good night and I’m sorry if I’ve left you guys with a difficult task to match up to with my decorating, poetic and unique gift buying skills.  Give it your best shot guys they’ll at least appreciate the effort.......................

Hunter Gatherer

5 November 2011

Lonely night last night as Al was away in London collecting what she likes to call her ‘Doctorate’ for the HR course she has been doing.  Think she packed a Mortarboard and cape and even had an acceptance speech but turns out it’s just a certificate and they send it in the post.......... She's looking to take a gap year now to ‘travel’.  Yeah right like that’ll be happening.

Anyhow while I’m at home dog sitting she was heading out on a shopping spree and then hitting the town with her mate Gemma who I suspect may be a bad influence as she’s been on Jeremy Kyle at least twice and failed the lie detector both times. 

I hate it when she’s away. 

I have to look after myself and being a man of course my strengths lie in hunting and gathering not cooking and cleaning.  Not that cooking is hard.  I’ve had bacon beans and toast for brunch, chicken beans and toast for tea and am planning scrambled eggs beans and toast for breakfast so I think that shows my versatility.  It’s the actually doing it that’s the pain and really I have way more important things to be getting on with. 

Worse still it’s her birthday today.  I won’t say what age she is cos ladies don’t like you to know that but suffice to say if she lives as long again she’ll be 90.  Anyhow we’re having a party tonight and she won’t be back until 5pm which of course leaves me with a pile of chores to do.  How unfair is that?

Even worse still I have a hangover as I can’t sleep on my own so I had to get drunk last night to have any chance of a kip.  Didn’t even work as I had to get up 4 times to go to the loo.

Even worse still it’s the first sunny day in a month and while I should be out on the trike posing about the place I’m stuck here ironing, cleaning, shopping and doing decorations.  To top it all I went down last night to the garage to get the after-hours flowers cos there half price and there all sold out.  Now I’ll have to get a real present. 

This weekend is going from bad to worse......................

How it All Began - 29 September 2011

29 September 2011

Believe it or not I am only just seeing all these messages for my birthday today as I don't really go on Facebook much.  Can’t even use the age thing as an excuse as Mum and Dad (or Johnny as he prefers) are in their 80's and they are never off it.  They are so down with the kids.  

Anyway thanks very much.  Actually now that I think about it I'm not really sure who will see this.  So if you get this Thanks and if you don't I tried and God luvs a trier..........

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30 September 2011

Hey!  I posted on Facebook and people saw it........how cool am I. That’s me hooked.

Ok so my status today is..........At work (as a Concierge. That’s a job with a French name so obviously important). Al taking Helen to airport, Ross home to see his girl (aww sweet).  Rest of kids all over the world.  Dogs up and fed but not walked...bad daddy.  About to have my first game of "Bubblehit". There u go I'm sure that’s made your day more interesting :-)...not!!!!!!!!!