Al's Birthday

8 November 2011

Busy busy day at work yesterday which left me no time for my FBing.  Happening a bit too often these days and I don’t recall anything in my contract that said I would actually have to do something.  Employers are so me me me these days and forget we live in a very social world and it’s important for the well-being of the workforce to keep up with what is happening to their mates.

Anyway I never got to report on Al’s party on Saturday night.  She returned home on Sat afternoon reasonably unscarred from 2 days with party animal Gemma.  I had spent many hours doing the decorations which were a number of balloons and a birthday banner and when she entered the house I could tell even through the blank look on her face that she was impressed.  Now a banner and balloons may not sound like much but as I always like to say “It’s not what you’ve got it’s what you do with it” and the banner was beautifully hung and the balloons were all blown up by me personally, pretty good eh??

Anyhow the guests drifted in from about 7 onwards and Tracey, Julie and Pauline brought along some delicious grub which was eagerly devoured later on.  I think they were a little disappointed that most people were so over awed with the decorations that the food took second place but they made a good effort and God loves a trier.

Being a cosmopolitan couple our guests covered a wide range of occupations.  We had 2 from the building trade, a spark, a scientist, an accountant, a mobile phone salesman (who fixed my phone, cheers Kevin), 2 PA’s, a civil servant, a nurse, a Pile Driver (who likes to take his work home with him but that’s another story) a teacher (who is somewhat overzealous in sending folk to the naughty chair), a ‘mature’ student (who has, believe it or not, a computer embedded in her ass) and of course myself a Concierge (a job with a French name which obviously topped the lot).

We were also careful to obey recent legislation and ensured the party was cross denominational for now with every gathering of more than 6 people at least 25% must come from the other community.  They were of course very welcome in our home and I think they enjoyed themselves although it was difficult to keep their food warm when we passed it out the window to them.

The night progressed with fun and frolics and although I had already out done myself with the decor there was more to come with a deeply meaningful and romantic poem I had penned for the lovely Al.  It can’t be repeated on here due to the fact I could only think of one word to rhyme with ‘Luck’ but suffice to say there were tears in the eyes of some of the ladies and I could see a few guys wondering how they would ever top that for their loved ones.  To cap it all I then presented her with a beautiful bracelet hand crafted by albino midgets from the jungles of the Amazon using only their feet, a rare and rather expensive gift if I do say so myself.  Again the ladies looked on in envy and the guys just looked defeated.

Once the ceremonies where done we proceeded to do what all intellectual up market folk do on a social get together and got legless.  We were mindful at all times of Andrea, who is heavily pregnant and kept hot water and towels on standby although none of us knew what to do with them.  Keith became obsessed with getting Lynn’s ’ass’ computer to work using the Sky remote and we had some deep and meaningful discussions including discovering that all the ladies had at one point faked an orgasm (hard to believe) but so had 60% of the men.  It’s amazing what you find out at parties.

Anyhow it was a good night and I’m sorry if I’ve left you guys with a difficult task to match up to with my decorating, poetic and unique gift buying skills.  Give it your best shot guys they’ll at least appreciate the effort.......................

Big Apology

27 October 2011

Today’s ramblings come by way of a big apology to two very good friends of mine who, through bad luck, bad timing and a series of ‘Fuck ups’ on my part were caused some upset last night.

In order not to cause further insult I will call them Joe and Sue and I hope they don’t mind me telling this sorry tale as a salutary lesson to all Facebookers.

It all began yesterday evening when a group of friends called at my house for coffee and a chat and generally shooting the breeze.  Joe was amongst the group and while Sue would normally be with him he had come straight from work and she was otherwise engaged.

All was going well and the craic was good and while Joe was chatting to someone else another friend was explaining to me the clever little things you can do on Facebook that I was still unaware of.  In this case it was video chat and we decided to give it a go.  I went on my page and looked to see who was online and spotted Sue was lit up.

I opened a message box but instead of just saying “Hi” I typed “Sue have u seen Joe he never showed up.  He rang from a pub but that’s the last we heard” (Fuck up No1).  What was meant to happen was she’d say “What!!!” and we’d pretend he had rung from a lap dancing club etc etc then swing the laptop around so he was on video waving like a big gormless idiot.  Really funny in a 5yr old sort of way.  What actually happened was the message came back saying Sue was offline and unavailable for video chat.

Oh poop, we thought in an equally 5yr old sort of way, and swiftly moved on to try and find someone else to play with (Fuck up No2).  I had of course forgotten that the message I had just sent had no intention of moving on and was, in fact, a message with a mission shooting around in cyber space intent on finding Sue, wherever she may be, and delivering itself.

Anyhow the night progressed and went on a little longer than planned but eventually our chums left and Joe began his journey home of about 1/2 hour.  By total coincidence 1/2 hour later our phone rang and bad luck entered the fray in that it was me instead of Al who answered. 

It was Sue and me being a man I failed to notice the slightly distressed tone in her voice when she asked “Did he get there yet” (Fuck up No3).  At first I couldn't think what she was talking about but then remembered my ‘hilarious’ message and the penny dropped.  What I should have said was “Of course he did.  I was only messing.  We were playing on the computer”.  What I actually said was “No he never showed the last we heard he was in a lap dancing club and couldn’t talk as he was up on the pole in 2minutes” (Fuck up No4).

Now I’m sure your thinking no one would take that statement seriously but this is where bad timing joined in for as I said the second half of the above sentence Sue was talking back and didn’t hear it as she said to me “Oh he is pulling into the drive now” and promptly hung up.

So at this point in time here is where we all stood………

Sue………. Told by me in writing and now verbally that Joe never showed and had been at the pub all night.
Joe……….. Skipping merrily into the house without a care in the world and 
completely unaware of any of the above.
Me………...Blissfully ignorant of the trouble I had caused and knocking back gins like there’s no tomorrow.

Now I have no idea what happened when poor Joe entered the house but suffice to say that about 15mins later our phone rang again and it was Joe who calmly asked “Mal will you for fuck sake tell Sue where I was tonight”.

Fortunately this time I grasped what had happened immediately and began a grovelling if inadequate series of apologies to both parties and hopefully they will forgive me particularly now they have seen my explanation above.

So sorry again guys but sometimes my mouth engages way ahead of my brain.

And Facebookers remember you might be smiling when you type it but that doesn’t show at the other end……………

The BW Trilogy: Part 1

12 October 2011

WARNING/APOLOGIES:

• Firstly a warning to ’Stevie’ who told me yesterday my status updates are to long so he should stop reading now.
• Secondly a warning to anyone easily shocked, offended or bored they too should stop reading now.
• And finally an apology to my Mother and Father, who I know read this, who should not blame themselves.  They did their best………..….obviously it just wasn’t good enough.

Ok folks today is a big day……….

It’s the day I declare to the world what I really am.  The day I throw off the harnesses of society’s perceived normality and accept the real me.  It’s the day that I regain some pride in myself and hopefully begin on the road to recovery.  The day I stop living a lie for fear of what others may think and stand proud as the person I am.  It’s the day I come out.………….. (Before Al, who for some reason is a bit pissed at me, outs me herself).

For my name is Malcolm and I am a Bus Wanker (hence forth referred to as a BW).  NB. Just to clarify a BW is a derogatory term for a person who uses the bus not W’s on the bus.

Many of you will, I am sure be shocked and no doubt my friends list will diminish as a result, but it is the 21st Century and although I am not proud of what I am we BW’s should be able to stand up and be counted and no longer stand hiding behind the adverts at the bus stop for fear of public ridicule. 

So yes I am one of those people you see huddled together like penguins wet and cold peering hopefully up the road for a bus that never comes.  I see your sneering faces as you pass by in your 4x4’s, your people carriers and your smart cars.  All warm and cosy with your iPods playing and your heated seats warming your fat asses.  When you see the icicles dripping from our noses and the wind howling through the broken windows of our bus shelters do you ever stop to think?  Do you see us just as part of the street furniture, as poor unfortunates who if they’d tried harder at school could have made more of themselves? 

Well we are humans too, we have feelings, and we have rights.  None of us asked to be BW’s it’s just one of those things that happens.  Maybe its peer pressure, a desire to escape, an inability to say no, or maybe just too cheap to get a car but once you start on this path it is a downward spiral.  But I believe I have reached the bottom I think the realisation that we were being forced into special lanes to keep us away from ordinary folk finally woke me up to how low I had sunk.

There are of course different degrees of BWing with those known as ‘Commuters’ being among the worst and this unfortunately is the group into which I fall.  I know my father used to do it but never talks about it and my mother actually used to take us with her when she did it.  All the kids have done it as well, although they think I don’t know, but fortunately only recreationally and let’s be honest we all experimented when we were young

So today I declare myself a BW and tomorrow I will recount how I came to find myself in this sorry state.  It may be too late to save myself but if my story can save just one other person than it will have been worth it…………………

Never Watch a Program With a Plot Line With a Blonde: Part 2

11 October 2011

Well a couple of nights ago we watched another 2 episodes of “Strike Back Project Dawn” which we had recorded.  As you may recall Al was not that good at keeping up with the plot on the previous occasion we watched this program and I was expecting a few interruptions in order for me to fill her in on what was happening. 

As it turned out it seems my exposing her on Facebook had had the desired effect and there was complete silence during the first episode.  I watched her, however, out of the corner of my eye and I could see periods of intense concentration mixed with looks of utter confusion and occasionally total bewilderment.

Still she kept quiet and we moved on to the next episode.  About 3/4 of the way through her composure finally cracked and she asked the following…..

Plotline: Hero is kneeling beside the man they were sent to rescue who is shot and dying on the floor.  Hero needs him to answer some questions but the man appears to go unconscious so hero shakes him shouting “Alan! Alan!”

Al. “Who is Alan”
Me. [Hit pause} “Well sweetheart I am gonna make a wild guess at this one and I may be wrong but I think it’s probably the guy on the floor he is shaking and shouting “Alan! Alan! at”
Al. {looks at me in silence for a moment then says} “You won’t put this on the internet will you”
Me. “Of course not darling” [hit play]

Everyone has a ‘Wicked side”

How it All Began - 29 September 2011

29 September 2011

Believe it or not I am only just seeing all these messages for my birthday today as I don't really go on Facebook much.  Can’t even use the age thing as an excuse as Mum and Dad (or Johnny as he prefers) are in their 80's and they are never off it.  They are so down with the kids.  

Anyway thanks very much.  Actually now that I think about it I'm not really sure who will see this.  So if you get this Thanks and if you don't I tried and God luvs a trier..........

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

30 September 2011

Hey!  I posted on Facebook and people saw it........how cool am I. That’s me hooked.

Ok so my status today is..........At work (as a Concierge. That’s a job with a French name so obviously important). Al taking Helen to airport, Ross home to see his girl (aww sweet).  Rest of kids all over the world.  Dogs up and fed but not walked...bad daddy.  About to have my first game of "Bubblehit". There u go I'm sure that’s made your day more interesting :-)...not!!!!!!!!!