Hunter Gatherer

5 November 2011

Lonely night last night as Al was away in London collecting what she likes to call her ‘Doctorate’ for the HR course she has been doing.  Think she packed a Mortarboard and cape and even had an acceptance speech but turns out it’s just a certificate and they send it in the post.......... She's looking to take a gap year now to ‘travel’.  Yeah right like that’ll be happening.

Anyhow while I’m at home dog sitting she was heading out on a shopping spree and then hitting the town with her mate Gemma who I suspect may be a bad influence as she’s been on Jeremy Kyle at least twice and failed the lie detector both times. 

I hate it when she’s away. 

I have to look after myself and being a man of course my strengths lie in hunting and gathering not cooking and cleaning.  Not that cooking is hard.  I’ve had bacon beans and toast for brunch, chicken beans and toast for tea and am planning scrambled eggs beans and toast for breakfast so I think that shows my versatility.  It’s the actually doing it that’s the pain and really I have way more important things to be getting on with. 

Worse still it’s her birthday today.  I won’t say what age she is cos ladies don’t like you to know that but suffice to say if she lives as long again she’ll be 90.  Anyhow we’re having a party tonight and she won’t be back until 5pm which of course leaves me with a pile of chores to do.  How unfair is that?

Even worse still I have a hangover as I can’t sleep on my own so I had to get drunk last night to have any chance of a kip.  Didn’t even work as I had to get up 4 times to go to the loo.

Even worse still it’s the first sunny day in a month and while I should be out on the trike posing about the place I’m stuck here ironing, cleaning, shopping and doing decorations.  To top it all I went down last night to the garage to get the after-hours flowers cos there half price and there all sold out.  Now I’ll have to get a real present. 

This weekend is going from bad to worse......................

Big Apology

27 October 2011

Today’s ramblings come by way of a big apology to two very good friends of mine who, through bad luck, bad timing and a series of ‘Fuck ups’ on my part were caused some upset last night.

In order not to cause further insult I will call them Joe and Sue and I hope they don’t mind me telling this sorry tale as a salutary lesson to all Facebookers.

It all began yesterday evening when a group of friends called at my house for coffee and a chat and generally shooting the breeze.  Joe was amongst the group and while Sue would normally be with him he had come straight from work and she was otherwise engaged.

All was going well and the craic was good and while Joe was chatting to someone else another friend was explaining to me the clever little things you can do on Facebook that I was still unaware of.  In this case it was video chat and we decided to give it a go.  I went on my page and looked to see who was online and spotted Sue was lit up.

I opened a message box but instead of just saying “Hi” I typed “Sue have u seen Joe he never showed up.  He rang from a pub but that’s the last we heard” (Fuck up No1).  What was meant to happen was she’d say “What!!!” and we’d pretend he had rung from a lap dancing club etc etc then swing the laptop around so he was on video waving like a big gormless idiot.  Really funny in a 5yr old sort of way.  What actually happened was the message came back saying Sue was offline and unavailable for video chat.

Oh poop, we thought in an equally 5yr old sort of way, and swiftly moved on to try and find someone else to play with (Fuck up No2).  I had of course forgotten that the message I had just sent had no intention of moving on and was, in fact, a message with a mission shooting around in cyber space intent on finding Sue, wherever she may be, and delivering itself.

Anyhow the night progressed and went on a little longer than planned but eventually our chums left and Joe began his journey home of about 1/2 hour.  By total coincidence 1/2 hour later our phone rang and bad luck entered the fray in that it was me instead of Al who answered. 

It was Sue and me being a man I failed to notice the slightly distressed tone in her voice when she asked “Did he get there yet” (Fuck up No3).  At first I couldn't think what she was talking about but then remembered my ‘hilarious’ message and the penny dropped.  What I should have said was “Of course he did.  I was only messing.  We were playing on the computer”.  What I actually said was “No he never showed the last we heard he was in a lap dancing club and couldn’t talk as he was up on the pole in 2minutes” (Fuck up No4).

Now I’m sure your thinking no one would take that statement seriously but this is where bad timing joined in for as I said the second half of the above sentence Sue was talking back and didn’t hear it as she said to me “Oh he is pulling into the drive now” and promptly hung up.

So at this point in time here is where we all stood………

Sue………. Told by me in writing and now verbally that Joe never showed and had been at the pub all night.
Joe……….. Skipping merrily into the house without a care in the world and 
completely unaware of any of the above.
Me………...Blissfully ignorant of the trouble I had caused and knocking back gins like there’s no tomorrow.

Now I have no idea what happened when poor Joe entered the house but suffice to say that about 15mins later our phone rang again and it was Joe who calmly asked “Mal will you for fuck sake tell Sue where I was tonight”.

Fortunately this time I grasped what had happened immediately and began a grovelling if inadequate series of apologies to both parties and hopefully they will forgive me particularly now they have seen my explanation above.

So sorry again guys but sometimes my mouth engages way ahead of my brain.

And Facebookers remember you might be smiling when you type it but that doesn’t show at the other end……………

Never and I Mean Never Think About Thinking if You Want to Get to Sleep

22 October 2011

I have a mind numbness today due to an over exuberant night out last night.  A quick meal and home by 10 ended as a pub crawl and home by 2.  I therefore declare myself statusless yet again this Saturday...................... this is becoming a habit, but a fun one.  Going to Andrew and Lynn’s Halloween party on Friday so can confidently say next Saturday is another right off...... :-)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

25 October 2011

Ok back to work...no more time for mind numbness and in fact time for the exact opposite.

A couple of nights ago we were watching the ‘Ricky Gervais’ show and Karl, the ‘Idiot’ from ‘Idiot Abroad’, made a rather complicated statement about the brain and thoughts which I’ll not even try and put down in words.

Anyhow last night I was lying in bed and couldn’t sleep.  Tossing and turning and trying to think of something boring to help me nod off.  I started to think about thinking.  What is thinking?  Is thinking a completely automatic activity?  Could I stop myself thinking and if I did how would I start again without thinking about it?  (If Al is reading this she will have a headache already).

Anyhow this then progressed to what would a person’s first thought be?  Would the thought be in pictures or words?  Never having seen anything or learning any words then what would that thought be made of?  Is that first thought the point we become human?  Is a cake a cake when all the ingredients are in a bowl but not baked or a car a car when all the parts are in the garage but not put together?

I’m sitting now thinking what to say next and the thought seems to be in words but if I wonder what Al’s doing at the minute that thought seems to be in pictures.  Is there a third option I can’t spot?

You’ll probably all ‘think’ I’m nuts but it’s an interesting philosophical question.  How much control do we have over our own thoughts?  Do our thoughts control us or do we control them?  If we have a problem do we have various depts in our brains that look for alternative answers then report back to management who make a final decision?  If so who is management and do stupid people just have crap I.T. depts. 

So that’s what I’m thinking about today and hopefully some of you may be able to answer some of these questions but beware anyone mentions God gets unfriended.

Any thoughts???

By the way there is a moral to this story…………….”Never and I mean never think about thinking if you want to get to sleep”