9 February 2012
SPAIN
PART 2 ………………………CAR HIRE
So, after a reasonably uneventful start to our trip, we finally arrived in Spain and, as is normal in that country, everything went into slow motion. Slow motion customs, slow motion police, even the moving walkway was in slow motion and people were passing us on foot!
Anyhow, we went to our car hire kiosk and were greeted by a bored looking employee who obviously had better things to do than hire out cars - our arrival was clearly an unwanted interruption in his ‘Siesta’ practice.
Now, believe it or not, we had hired a car on the internet for £22 all in for 4 days which is pretty good but I suspected somewhere there would be a catch. Going on the principle “that if something is too good to be true then it usually isn’t” I was on my guard for how they planned to rip us off.
This guy had the personality of a tree slug and went through the process robotically, rhyming off the usual stuff, “Cars a Ford Focus, Petrol, Ticket for car park, Leave back anytime, Tank is full bring back empty” etc etc. He got my passport, license and credit card and was just about to get me to sign when he stopped, and suddenly developing a great interest in my wellbeing, produced a laminated sheet entitled “Insurance”.
Here it comes I thought, the great insurance rip off. I didn’t realise at that point that the rip off had already occurred and I’d missed it. I’ll explain later.
I can’t type in a Spanish accent so do it yourself, his and my thoughts are in [ ]
Him : [OK you Irish twat, this is where I make a shit load of commission out of you] “You want to up grade your Insurance Sir. At the moment you are only covered for this (he indicates one thing on his sheet which just about makes me street legal) but if you upgrade you will be covered for this (he indicates another list which covers nearly everything under the sun)."
Me : [Ok you Spanish twat you ain’t making any commission out of me] “No”
Him : Thinking sale was a forgone conclusion and about to write it up on the form [Did that dick just say No?] “Sorry sir. The Insurance you have is not very good but this covers everything and is only 7 Euro a day”
Me : [That’s more than I’m paying for the car asshole] “No”
Him : [Playing hard to get huh. How about this then] “You realize that if someone breaks your window you will lose the 400 Euro deposit?”
Me : “Yes, and still No”
Him : “If someone crashes into you in a car park you must pay to fix”
Me : “Ok, but still No”
Him : Starting to get more desperate “If you hit kerb and damage wheel you must pay”
Me : Noticing Alena starting to look worried as she’d have bought it at the start “I’ll be careful. Still No”
Him : “If a group of topless pole dancers attack your car and drag you out and gang rape you . You will not be covered”
Me : “I’d actually pay you for that to happen but as its unlikely, still No”
(OK I made that one up but you get the drift)
Anyhow, he finally accepted the answer was “No” and mumbling away about broken windows and busted wheels handed over the keys. I smiled my best “Up yours” smile and headed for the car park.
On finding our car we realized why it was only £22 as it was dented and banged, the aerial was missing and the boot wouldn’t open. I marched over to the guy in the car park rental booth and discovered he had as much interest as his partner in the airport.
Me : “This cars a piece of crap and the boot won’t open”
Him : [Idiot. I hate you English] “Yes it will, I opened it to clean it”
Me : [Idiot. I hate you Spanish] “Well it won’t open now”
Him : Sighing and shaking his head in as patronizing a way as he could “I will show you”
Me : Smiling pleasantly and wanting to punch him in the face “Thank you”
We walked over to the car and I stood on the passenger side as he went to the driver’s door. He looked over the roof at me as he inserted the key and continued to stare directly at me as he turned it. There was an unlocking noise, and a slight smirk came on his face, as he kind of wiggled his eye brows in my direction. He walked around to the back of the car, still watching me, and took hold of the handle. Time stood still for a second and we looked at each other as if this was about to decide which of us was the ‘Alpha’ male. He pulled………………………… It didn’t fucking open!! I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t fucking open. The smug, little diego, twat was beaten. There is a god!!! I felt like dancing a jig and running around the car park singing ‘we are the champions’.
However, I kept my cool and simply smiled and nodded sagely as he tried in vain with everything but a crowbar to open it. Eventually he admitted defeat and we went over to his office to get another car. It was at this point, when we were changing over the paper work, that I spotted the ‘Rip off’ I had, up to this point, missed.
Me : “Hey. How come we have paid 90Euro for this car it should be about 30 Euro”
Him : Seeing a chance to retrieve some dignity “We fill tank. You bring back empty”
Me : [I’m only going 40mins down the road I’ll never use a full tank] “Are there any refunds?”
Him : “No. You use - bring back empty”
Me : [I’ll empty your head smartarse. So I’m paying for petrol I won’t use] “No problem”
Him : Smiling “ I give you diesel car it not use much petrol” [Empty that you English bastard]
Me : [It’s diesel you dick, its doesn’t use any petrol and I’ll empty it if I have to drink it, you smarmy little shit] “Thanks. That’s very good of you.”
So off we went. I drove everywhere and I mean everywhere. If the rubbish needed put out in the bin - I drove it. I went everywhere in third gear, left it ticking over when parked, and even offered to siphon some into our hostesses car but sadly it was petrol. Eventually, when I left it back 4 days later it was still ¾ full.
Bastards!. I hate the Spanish!.
Tomorrow…………….. THE TALKING WALL
So, after a reasonably uneventful start to our trip, we finally arrived in Spain and, as is normal in that country, everything went into slow motion. Slow motion customs, slow motion police, even the moving walkway was in slow motion and people were passing us on foot!
Anyhow, we went to our car hire kiosk and were greeted by a bored looking employee who obviously had better things to do than hire out cars - our arrival was clearly an unwanted interruption in his ‘Siesta’ practice.
Now, believe it or not, we had hired a car on the internet for £22 all in for 4 days which is pretty good but I suspected somewhere there would be a catch. Going on the principle “that if something is too good to be true then it usually isn’t” I was on my guard for how they planned to rip us off.
This guy had the personality of a tree slug and went through the process robotically, rhyming off the usual stuff, “Cars a Ford Focus, Petrol, Ticket for car park, Leave back anytime, Tank is full bring back empty” etc etc. He got my passport, license and credit card and was just about to get me to sign when he stopped, and suddenly developing a great interest in my wellbeing, produced a laminated sheet entitled “Insurance”.
Here it comes I thought, the great insurance rip off. I didn’t realise at that point that the rip off had already occurred and I’d missed it. I’ll explain later.
I can’t type in a Spanish accent so do it yourself, his and my thoughts are in [ ]
Him : [OK you Irish twat, this is where I make a shit load of commission out of you] “You want to up grade your Insurance Sir. At the moment you are only covered for this (he indicates one thing on his sheet which just about makes me street legal) but if you upgrade you will be covered for this (he indicates another list which covers nearly everything under the sun)."
Me : [Ok you Spanish twat you ain’t making any commission out of me] “No”
Him : Thinking sale was a forgone conclusion and about to write it up on the form [Did that dick just say No?] “Sorry sir. The Insurance you have is not very good but this covers everything and is only 7 Euro a day”
Me : [That’s more than I’m paying for the car asshole] “No”
Him : [Playing hard to get huh. How about this then] “You realize that if someone breaks your window you will lose the 400 Euro deposit?”
Me : “Yes, and still No”
Him : “If someone crashes into you in a car park you must pay to fix”
Me : “Ok, but still No”
Him : Starting to get more desperate “If you hit kerb and damage wheel you must pay”
Me : Noticing Alena starting to look worried as she’d have bought it at the start “I’ll be careful. Still No”
Him : “If a group of topless pole dancers attack your car and drag you out and gang rape you . You will not be covered”
Me : “I’d actually pay you for that to happen but as its unlikely, still No”
(OK I made that one up but you get the drift)
Anyhow, he finally accepted the answer was “No” and mumbling away about broken windows and busted wheels handed over the keys. I smiled my best “Up yours” smile and headed for the car park.
On finding our car we realized why it was only £22 as it was dented and banged, the aerial was missing and the boot wouldn’t open. I marched over to the guy in the car park rental booth and discovered he had as much interest as his partner in the airport.
Me : “This cars a piece of crap and the boot won’t open”
Him : [Idiot. I hate you English] “Yes it will, I opened it to clean it”
Me : [Idiot. I hate you Spanish] “Well it won’t open now”
Him : Sighing and shaking his head in as patronizing a way as he could “I will show you”
Me : Smiling pleasantly and wanting to punch him in the face “Thank you”
We walked over to the car and I stood on the passenger side as he went to the driver’s door. He looked over the roof at me as he inserted the key and continued to stare directly at me as he turned it. There was an unlocking noise, and a slight smirk came on his face, as he kind of wiggled his eye brows in my direction. He walked around to the back of the car, still watching me, and took hold of the handle. Time stood still for a second and we looked at each other as if this was about to decide which of us was the ‘Alpha’ male. He pulled………………………… It didn’t fucking open!! I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t fucking open. The smug, little diego, twat was beaten. There is a god!!! I felt like dancing a jig and running around the car park singing ‘we are the champions’.
However, I kept my cool and simply smiled and nodded sagely as he tried in vain with everything but a crowbar to open it. Eventually he admitted defeat and we went over to his office to get another car. It was at this point, when we were changing over the paper work, that I spotted the ‘Rip off’ I had, up to this point, missed.
Me : “Hey. How come we have paid 90Euro for this car it should be about 30 Euro”
Him : Seeing a chance to retrieve some dignity “We fill tank. You bring back empty”
Me : [I’m only going 40mins down the road I’ll never use a full tank] “Are there any refunds?”
Him : “No. You use - bring back empty”
Me : [I’ll empty your head smartarse. So I’m paying for petrol I won’t use] “No problem”
Him : Smiling “ I give you diesel car it not use much petrol” [Empty that you English bastard]
Me : [It’s diesel you dick, its doesn’t use any petrol and I’ll empty it if I have to drink it, you smarmy little shit] “Thanks. That’s very good of you.”
So off we went. I drove everywhere and I mean everywhere. If the rubbish needed put out in the bin - I drove it. I went everywhere in third gear, left it ticking over when parked, and even offered to siphon some into our hostesses car but sadly it was petrol. Eventually, when I left it back 4 days later it was still ¾ full.
Bastards!. I hate the Spanish!.
Tomorrow…………….. THE TALKING WALL
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