Remember, When Fate Owes You One There is Nowhere to Hide

9 December 2011

A quick ‘BW’ (Bus Wanker) story this morning that I’d forgotten about in all the excitement and its kind of the final nail in the coffin of what was last Friday's alcoholic debacle.

I wasn’t at work again, I’m a Concierge you know that’s a job with a French name, until the Tuesday.  I left the house about 6am for the walk down to the bus.  It was one miserable day.  It was dark, cold, the wind was howling and the rain was horizontal and all in all was not conducive to a feeling of well-being.

Arrived at the bus stop to join a large huddle of other BWs all looking cold wet and dejected and we grouped together like a flock of Emperor Penguins sheltering from the ravages of the Antarctic winter.

It’s funny how we normally completely ignore each other’s existence but naturally work as a team when it aids individual survival.  David Attenborough should do a series on BWs. 

Anyhow I digress.  The bus duly arrived, on time might I add, and like the gentlemen we are we allowed the ladies on first.  I was the first male to board and as the driver/supplier (you need to be up to date to know what that means) carried out his duty of totally ignoring me I put my hand in my pocket, pulled out my pass and placed it on the reader. 

Nothing happened.  I glanced at the driver who was looking straight out the front and without his head or a single muscle in his face moving his eyes turned on me.  He then glanced down at my pass then back at me all still without moving anything but his eyes.  Then in a manner indicating unparalleled indifference and again with only the minimum of movement he said “that’s only half a pass” and returned to staring out the front.

I looked down and to my horror realised my pass was indeed only half a pass and I scrambled in my pocket and retrieved the other half.  As I stared at this second piece it became apparent I was now officially in the BW nightmare situation of bringing myself under notice.  The queue behind me, who were still out in the elements, were beginning to mutter and shuffle, the driver, who had diagnosed the problem, obviously had no intention of assisting with a cure and had returned to his coma, and the passengers on the bus were now all eyes on me, the poor unfortunate who had committed the ultimate BW sin and stood out from the crowd.

Now you folk sitting comfortably in front of your computers will think “just pay the driver and sit down you twat”, but when you have to make a split second decision you don’t always make the right one.  Talking or interacting with the driver is another BW sin and all steps should be taken to avoid this so in an act of desperation I placed the second piece of pass beside the first and looked hopefully at the ticket dispenser.

Nothing happened.  I glanced back at the driver who was still looking straight out the front and again without his head or a single muscle in his face moving his eyes turned on me.  He again glanced down at my pass then back at me all still without moving anything but his eyes.  Then in a manner indicating continuing unparalleled indifference and again with only the minimum of movement he said “That won’t work ”, and returned to staring out the front once again.

The atmosphere behind me was turning decidedly frosty and I could feel a multitude of eyes boring into the back of my head.  The seated passengers were also mumbling and I could hear comments like “Stupid bugger”, “He’s gonna have to pay cash”, “It’s gonna cost him an extra 50p”, “Kick him off”.

My humiliation was almost complete but like a drowning man clutching at a straw I said as firmly and with as much indignation as I could muster “But I have about 25 journeys on that card!!”.  The driver went through the whole eye thing again but ended with a shrug which said as well as any neon sign “Tell someone who gives a fuck”.

I was defeated.  I had no fight left.  I reached into my pocket and pulled out some cash which of course was not the correct amount.  The driver went through the sighing routine that is part of giving change and I took the walk of shame to the back of the bus.  I'm going to have to get a car. 

And how does this all connect with last Friday?  That must be when I broke the pass...when I took my tumble outside the City Hall.  I should have known Karma would get me in the end.  So remember, when fate owes you one there is nowhere to hide………..